The MC

I play the MC in both shows. Adapted in each case to each site and each community. e.g. Act One - a university audience. Act Two - an amateur dramatic audience. The first draft of text is below. This was written in an attempt to reflect the reality of the situation. The speeches were sourced from confetti.com and are there as a template. Although I will work with found text.

Acts of Communion

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen – I do hope you all enjoyed the wedding breakfast. I know I did. The facilities here never fail to amaze me. Now could I remind you if you have mobile phones and know how to use them. Please do switch them off. We wouldn’t want them to ruin the speeches. Unless of course it’s the Best Man ringing up to tell us where he is. Thankfully, two of the Grooms other friends have stepped in at the last minute to share the burden. It’s their first time. It’s not my first time. I’ve been married before. I don’t need to tell you what happened. But today I’m the MC – Master of Ceremonies. I’ll be guiding you through the speeches. Telling you when to stand, sit, clap, laugh and cry. We are up against the clock as the hall is needed by the WI in exactly an hour from now. Before I start just a few housekeeping duties. The toilets are at the end of the corridor, on the left. Can I also remind you that confetti is not permitted on the premises. And that flash photography should be reserved until the cutting of the cake. Can I also point out that for posterity, the speeches and the guests are being filmed. If anybody has an objection to their featuring in the wedding video please do let me know. So I ask you now pray silence for the Father of the Bride.

FOB: Normally, I'm a rather timid public speaker, but today we are so thrilled to see Rhiannon happily married to Thom that I can barely summon up a single nerve …

Standing here today, my mind can't help but return to all those unmentionable years ago and the day I myself got married …

It's been an absolute pleasure to give away my daughter today. My only regret is that I didn't do it years ago …

Sadly, my wife is no longer with us, so what I want to say is for the both of us. I know that, like me, she would be very proud and absolutely delighted to see Thom and Rhiannon getting married here today.

It's not every day you get to walk your daughter up the aisle and see her marry the man of her dreams. Which is quite a relief, believe me, when you know how much this whole thing cost!! Seriously, though …

MC Now the Bride and Groom won’t mind me telling you this. But they’re both students of the arts. In fact they both study Performance and Live Art at Nottingham Trent University. That’s how they met. That means that they’ve got absolutely no excuses when it comes to public speaking. However, it means they’ve got every excuse when it comes to getting married on the cheap. She got her dress from the costume cupboard. The groom went to a charity shop. Everything you see here is set and props. The total budget was £80. And didn’t they do well. They booked this hall through the university. I booked it for them. I asked around and was told that room booking could be done via the Virtual Learning Portal, that the procedure was detailed in the Student Handbook and didn’t I get the email about it. I didn’t get the email so I just came over here and booked it. We’ve only got it for an hour because of the WI. But that did save us money. It’s not a cracking anecdote but it does illustrate that bureaucracy as with weddings can be far too complicated. I know mine was. I’ve been married before. I don’t need to tell you what happened. Sometimes you’re better off doing it on a budget. In an hour. To a small audience. In a small hall. So without further ado I give you The Groom.

G: A very warm welcome to everyone here today, at the end of what has been a fantastic week for sales of Imodium...

(after a protracted engagement)
I knew at once that I had made a powerful impression on Rhiannon, because within weeks of our first meeting, she fled the country for an entire year...

Before I go any further, I'd just like to cordially invite you all to my best man Michael's wedding in six weeks' time, at which I'll be best man and he'll be the groom. I'm sure you'll all want to see the truth of that old saying: "Revenge is a dish best served cold...."

Normally, it's the duty of the best man to get the groom to the church on time, fully dressed and stone-cold sober. As soon as I chose Michael for my best man, however, I knew that the roles were likely to be reversed. Still, one out of three's not bad, is it?

(pretend nervous)
Unaccustomed as I am to pubic spanking... er, I mean...

MC: Some of you bought raffle tickets when you came in – we’re trying to raise some funds for the roof. We don’t need a new one we’re just trying to raise it. Raise the roof. I’m wasted on weddings. I’m wasted. The raffle has already been drawn. It’s an entirely truthful raffle that’s taken place in secret. 1st prize. No. 783. Bottle of Australian Chardonnay. Bin 65. If you’ve been 65 you can have it. 2nd prize. No. 874. Chocolate Fondue Set. Come on. Someone must have bought it. 3rd prize. No. 761. Family biscuit selection. 4th prize. No. 759. Rossini Tumbler. If you put in the right amount of water it sings the theme of the thieving magpie. 5th prize. No. 561. Decorative candles. You’ve always wanted a decorative candle. Now you can have one. 6th prize. No. 852. Swiss handkerchief set. That’s pronounced Swiss. Not Swizz. That concludes the prize draw. If you did play the raffle and you did have a winning ticket please see me on the way out. If you did play the raffle but you didn’t win then maybe next time. If you didn’t play the raffle then please make yourselves known to the caterers because we’re a bit short on cake. Now. It’s no coincidence that some of the raffle prizes shared a striking similarity to items on my wedding list. I’ve been married before. I don’t need to tell you what happened. Next up. The Brides’s speech.

B: You may have noticed that in our ceremony today, I made the decision to 'respect' rather than 'obey' my new husband. It looks like we're going to be together for some time, so it's a good idea to make it clear who's boss from the start …

I always thought being a bride meant you didn't have to do a speech. But then when I got wind of the nonsense that Thom was preparing to say, I knew at once there was no alternative …

(second time around)
There's a first time for everything - and sometimes a second. Voltaire the philosopher put it differently: "Once a philosopher," he said. "Twice a pervert." Well, before we go any further, let me reassure everyone that I'm not in any danger of making the same mistake twice. In fact, in marrying Thom, I am confident that I'm making an altogether different kind of mistake …

While I was racking my brains trying to come up with a way of starting my speech, someone said to me, 'Why not mention the fact that the two of you share the same star sign?' I decided against this idea, however, on the grounds that I'm not much of a one for astrology. Which is unusual for a Scorpio...

Even though we're at the start of a new millennium, some of you here today may still not be very familiar with the idea that the bride gets to give a speech too. Well, wait till I tell you how I proposed...

MC: You know they say in Arabic beliefs, that there exists a bird with one wing that cannot fly. Instead he waits for another bird to come along who only has one wing so cannot fly. Sometimes, he meets a bird who has one wing, but it’s the same wing. They realise they won’t be able to fly together so they exchange pleasantries through coos and flaps and go on their respective ways. Sometimes, he meets a bird whose one wing, which is the right wing or the left wing, whichever wing he doesn’t have, has been so badly strained through her attempts to fly that it is too weak to fly even with the help of his other wing, the right wing or the left wing, whichever wing she doesn’t have. Sometimes, and this happens very rarely, he meets a bird, with the right wing, who feels just like him, who wants to fly but cannot. They embrace; wing over wing, and in their coupling they find they are whole. They fly off into the sky. At first fumbling and tumbling. Then soaring. High above their home, their hurt and their dreams. Now I didn’t write that. I don’t know who did. But I’d like to think that The Bride and Groom are those birds. Flying high above their home, their hurt and their dreams. And that all the other birds the Groom found just didn’t have a good enough wing. I know mine didn’t. I don’t need to tell you what happened. But I did have two Best Men. So let me introduce The Groom’s stand-in wing men. The Best Men.

BM: I realise that I'm probably not the person most of you expected to be speaking at this point, so by way of explanation (removes piece of paper) let me read the following telegram. 'Sorry I couldn't be there today, but I'm unavoidably detained in hospital. Would love to have given the speech today, but will have to make do with watching you sweat it out on the video. All the best - love to bride and groom. Michael.' (Replaces piece of paper.) Well, thanks for that Michael. I'm sure we all wish him well, and hope he makes a speedy recovery from whatever it was that put him in the STD clinic in the first place …